The hedgehog dilemna... hmmm, so that's what they call it.

Have you ever heard of the Hedgehog dilemna?  Until today, I don't think I had even heard it mentioned in passing before.  I was talking with a friend about dating problems... (hers, not mine), at least not this time anyway, though, I'll admit to having a fair share of my own.  My friend was venting about the typical problems of  dating and was expressing her frustrations, when she ended with.. 'well, what can I do.. it's the typical hedgehog dilemma.'  Her comment immediately piqued my interest, and I asked her what she was talking about.  She said, 'you haven't heard of the hedgehog dilemma?'  I nodded my head no, and she told me that it was an analogy used to describe the perils of dating and intimate relationships.  Well, that got my brain turning, so the first chance I got, I Googled it.. 

Wikipedia had a fairly comprehensive definition which I found really interesting.

The hedgehog's dilemma, or sometimes the porcupine dilemma, is an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy. It describes a situation in which a group of hedgehogs all seek to become close to one another in order to share their heat during cold weather. However, once accomplished, they cannot avoid hurting one another with their sharp quills. They must step away from one another. Though they all share the intention of a close reciprocal relationship, this may not occur for reasons which they cannot avoid.

Both Arthur Schopenhauer and Sigmund Freud have used this situation to describe what they feel is the state an individual will find themselves in relation to others. The hedgehog's dilemma suggests that despite goodwill, human intimacy cannot occur without substantial mutual harm, and what results is cautious behavior and weak relationships. With the hedgehog's dilemma one is recommended to use moderation in the affairs with others both because it is in self-interest, and also out of consideration for others.

This got me thinking of all of the cliche's we hear when we are in the unfortunate position of dating again.  You know the ones, how we're not be too cynical about love, always believe in true love, in that perfect person who will always love you, whom you can always trust.  

Don't get me wrong, I've seen many examples of couples in wonderful, fulfilling relationships, though, I'm sad to say that it hasn't been my experience, I do believe it exists.  However, I couldn't help but wonder as I was reading this, is there ever a perfect relationship?  Has there ever been a marriage, regardless of how happy each person was, where each of them weren't hurt by the other at some point?  Do most of us, myself included, have a warped ideology about what a good relationship is?

It also leaves me pondering on the sheer simplicity of human needs.  Our need to feel close to someone, to receive validation from another soul.  We all take comfort in having that someone in our lives who calls us on their way home from work.. to watch movies, while snuggled up on the couch, or just have coffee and read the newspaper together on a Sunday morning.  Yet, somehow, this analogy is true.  Whenever a person opens up to another, and allows themselves to become vulnerable and open, you can't seem to get close, without getting hurt.

It was somehow comforting for me to learn this, yet at the same time, very unsettling, as I can no longer go on living in ignorant bliss.  I'm left with the reality that loving and being loved, coincides with hurting and being hurt.